i like to think that my tears called down the rain

one of my relatives on my dad's sad passed away a few years ago. while i was at my family reunion in boulder a few weeks ago we stopped by her gravestone. she had a really difficult life, died of cancer, grew up on a cattle farm in the middle of nowhere, and smoked a pack a day for most of her life. my dad's family is all really scruffy looking and big into ranching and cattle driving, so i wasn't taken by surprise when i walked around the backside of her gravestone and "shit happens" was engraved there. i loved this saying, because everyone can identify with it. yeah other people's lives suck more than mine, more than yours, but it's okay to wallow in your own "shit" once in a while. and that gave me some comfort that it will all work out in the end, and it's okay to be sad.

today on my way to church susan rowe caught me on my way in. this woman is one of my favorite leaders that i have ever had. she converted to the church when she was seventeen and hasn't looked back since. anyway, she asked me how i was doing, sometimes, you when asked this question i just want to strangle the person and shout in their face that i am NOT okay! but susan was sincere and she put her arm around me. but instead i just whimpered out an, "okay i guess..." she said, "salt lake's a little lonesome now isn't it?" how could she have summed up every emotion i was feeling just like that!? she must have been inspired to say that. every fiber in my quivering being just wanted to leave my impatient snot nosed CTR 7 class teacher-less, and spend hours sitting and talking with her about everything going on in my life. she just told me that with a lot of my friends being gone, and leaving on missions and things, life is not easy. it isn't. but i know that if i put myself out there to meet new people, things will be end up alright.

church didn't improve at all. i am the teacher to six kids. 2 of which, i swear are from satan's womb! sophie downey.... this child causes every other teacher and primary worker to shake their heads and pity me. so all their eyes are on ME to see how i take care of her tantrums or behavioral trouble spots. more attention? GREAT! that's just what i need right now. these awful eye's continued to follow me into sacrament meeting where the current bishopric watched me duck my head behind the bench and wipe away my stupid tears. it just so happens that my past bishop and his wife were speaking in our meeting... as if three pairs of eyes weren't enough? i felt like someone was sitting on the back row of the chapel, poking pins in my voodoo doll's heart. maybe it was sophie downey! she would do that...devil child, i'm telling you! no matter what i thought about, how hard i prayed, how intensely i concentrated on slowing my tears, sniffing my nose, and closing off my heart, my tears would not stop! i had no control over it. i would close off every emotion and tears would still form in my swollen eyes. i would have just walked out of the chapel but it was in the middle of the sacrament and all the deacons were blocking the exits...jeez, how symbolic?!! i felt like i was in a nightmare with everyone staring at me and being concerned for me, it was comforting in a weird way to know that all these people are worried about me, but at the same time i could almost feel their cold fingers reaching across the chapel touching my lungs and the back of my neck, making it near impossible for me to breathe.

I nearly ran out of the chapel as soon as the deacons sat down, susan rowe flashed a really worried look of concern, as well as half the congregation. i went to the bathroom, sat on the toilet and closed my eyes. i can't remember ever being that relieved to be alone. i almost went home but something told me to stay. so i walked back into the cold chapel, almost ashamed. my parents and the elderly man sitting next to me kept flashing looks of worry, i sat there waiting to hear what i knew i was supposed to hear. i kept looking at my bishop and thinking about how i need to talk to him about switching to a student ward, but i know the second i walk into his office, my eyes will just start welling up and i can totally picture myself falling apart in front of him... i know that would probably help me but i didn't want to admit that to myself.

the reason i was supposed to stay in that cold chapel, the impression that came to me was because i needed to hear the last thing my former bishop said in his closing remarks...

"the temple is the most beautiful and the brightest on the darkest nights... we must cherish this gospel the most during the most challenging times in out lives."

wow... that was exactly what i needed to hear! "Jesus, lover of my soul", was the closing hymn which i was BARELY able to squeak out... here are the first three verses.

Let me to Thy bosom fly,
While the nearer waters roll,
While the tempest still is high.
Hide me, O my Savior, hide,
Till the storm of life is past;
Safe into the haven guide;
Oh, receive my soul at last.

Other refuge have I none,
Hangs my helpless soul on Thee;
Leave, ah! leave me not alone,
Still support and comfort me.
All my trust on Thee is stayed,
All my help from Thee I bring;
Cover my defenseless head
With the shadow of Thy wing.

Wilt Thou not regard my call?
Wilt Thou not accept my prayer?
Lo! I sink, I faint, I fall—
Lo! on Thee I cast my care.
Reach me out Thy gracious hand!
While I of Thy strength receive,
Hoping against hope I stand,
Dying, and behold, I live.

sophia and i sat outside on out porch together. we didn't really talk very much. we just watched, listened and felt every aspect of the storm. i was in my u of u sweatshirt while she sat with her knees to her chest on the cold concrete in her bonneville bobcats sweatshirt. i tried to remember what it felt like when i was going into sixth grade. i don't remember very much. elementary school is kind of a blur to me, i don't even remember if i enjoyed it! it seems like forever ago. high school is starting to seem just as distant , sadly enough...today during the sacrament i looked over at sophia as she lay on olivia's lap. her freckled face, her long un-mascaraed eyelashes hiding her huge blue eyes. she was so brilliantly beautiful i could have stared at her for hours counting each freckle and looking at the golden flecks in each strand of her hair... i felt closer to her then than i have in a long time.

after sacrament meeting we came home and ate dinner. i sat at the table with olivia and sophia for a really long time, continuing to munch on our food. we were supposed to clear the table, but we were having so much fun talking, we never got to it! my mom just came in every once in a while and took a few plates until we only had our cups left! i can't even remember one thing that we talked about. but that isn't what matters! i am SO lucky to have the family i do. i can tell them anything, they wipe away my tears, tell me that it's okay, and just hold me. THAT is what family is about. i feel really close to my family right now, and i am glad that i live at home, so i can be there for my sisters. olivia told me i could sleep in her bed with her tonight because i haven't been able to sleep very well lately, with my stupid dreams and racing mind and heart. the bond between siblings really is pretty crazy...

this has been a pretty random post, full of many many emotions, prayers, hopes, nightmares, and joys that i am going through lately! thanks for reading.

just listen

i have really been out of the loop for the past 9 days. this trip couldn't have fallen on a more ridiculous time... i missed alec leaving, i missed most of my friends leaving, i don't know where any of my classes are, i haven't really prepared much for school, haven't gotten any new shoes for school (which i am in deserate need of...)and i get home for this vacation tommorow night around 9pm with jetlag... i am pretty scared, and i miss everyone a lot.

so i think that this whole college thing is making me go insane... i can't stop thinking about my classes, and institute and who i am going to meet! it doesn't help much that alec and i hardly talk and when we do i end up just feeling stupid that i am going to be living at home, and not having an fun in the dorms, or at parties, or having huge beach blasts on the coast! It makes me mad. so... i decided that i am going to just put myself out there, i am not ashamed that i am going to the U! i love that school! I just feel like i could have reached out farther and gotten to a more independent phase before i went to college. but in my emotional state right now i think i need my older sister to hold my hand, draw me a map of the campus, have my mom come with me to talk to my counselor for the first time... i need that stability right now becuase, honestly, i am a mess.

i debated about writing any of my emotional stuff on my blog after what kristin said, but it needs to be put down, and this is the only way i know how... so if you don't want to read it then don't. please don't put down rude comments or anything, and just listen. that is all i really need right now, and that is what has been another awful thing about the timing of this trip. we all need each other right now in this hard time, i want to be near the people who listen to me, who help me do the right things, urge me on the right path, but i am thousands of miles away and it's really difficult.

i keep having dreams about alec. they aren't cute dreams like i used to have, now they are scary. i wake up in tears, or with a huge knot in my stomach that won't go away for hours. dreams that we don't talk, dreams that we both change so much that when he comes back for holidays and weekends, we don't see eachother, we don't recognizze eachother, or even exchange a smile. dreams that i go visit him and everything is so different that i end up flying back home in tears... the worst dreams are the ones where everything is like is used to be, alec comes and picks me up, we go to dinner, and then go look at the stars, we kiss, and i can almost smell him and taste him, but then i wake up and it's gone. i haven't told alec about them, and i talked to christine who is pretty much my lifeline right now, and she told me that she has dreams like those also. i wonder if alec or max have dreams or wake up shaking with worry or panic. if alec does he hasn't told me. but i wouldn't tell him. so i guess we are even.

i was walking to the beach, our first night here, staring at the small footprints in the sand. my eyes studied them as we approached the boardwalk, i heard a bike approaching us so i looked up to move out of it's path. i nearly collapsed when i saw it's rider. maybe it's just because i have been thinking so much about alec lately, but this boy looked exactly like him. he was tan, thin but toned, and had big eyes just like alec's. my heart literaly stopped and i wanted to run up to him and give him a hug, i clenched my teeth as hard as i could as the boy rode past me, so my family wouldn't see my eyes filling up with tears.

i dipped my toes into the ocean and remembered that the last time i had been at the beach was for the acapella trip. with him. on the beach, holding hands. i closed my eyes and stood there with the sun setting behind me, sending pink and orange streaks across the sky. my toes burried themselves in the sand with each surf that passed by. i stayed there looking out at the ocean for what seemed like hours. my sisters all saw my silent tears rolling down my face, i knew that i was bringing down the mood of our first adventure at the beach, but i didn't care,i wanted to be selfish. i wanted this moment for myself, and i didn't know why. i knew that my sisters and my mom understood. but then my dad saw me. i saw some hesistance as he walked into the waves and came over to me. he has never really understood about alec and i. but at that moment it was like he understood everything, he knew what i was feeling and didn't say much before he enveloped me in a giant hug. that was what i needed, what i had wanted from him for monthes. i just wanted him to understand.

i think i have changed on this vacation. so if i come back and i am not the same jocelyn king as i was since you last saw me, don't say anything please. because i know i am different. and slowly i will turn around and drop my shield again but right now, it needs to be up. i have changed. i am not as open anymore, i think before i share my feelings, my favorite color is now purple. i hated purple before this trip. and now it is my favorite. i am going to dye my hair back to it's natural color, and i think i will cut it a little shorter. now i cherish music, just like i always have, but now it is different somehow. it's more meaningful, i have to choose which songs to listen to very, very carefully because most songs are about love. or they just remind me of alec. which is sometimes a good thing. i don't want to forget alec. but right now it is just too painful to remember...
so now my vacation has come to a close, i know that things between alec and i are okay. they definately could be better, but it is my dreams that are making me go crazy! i can't tell if things between us are REALLY that weird and awkward or if that feeling is from my horrible dreams. everything is just blending together and i'm too overcome with it's outcome that i don't know how to sort it out...

oh dear... sucks for him

my dad found this on youtube this morning, I thought you all would find it funny. it's a video of a british ex-olympian swimmer who is bombarded in china becuase he looks like michael phelps. Check it out and let me know what you think!

highlights thus far, cut short becuase my sister needed the computer...

i have been having an amazing time on my vacation! It was a much, much needed break, even though the timing was pretty bad with alec leaving and everything. i've been trying not to think about him, and it's been hard, it just feels like i am going to come back from this vacation and everything will be like it was before, but i know that is very far from the truth. but it's been good to spend time with my family and actually DO something this Summer besides sit around and feel bad for myself. but i just thought i would check in and write a bit because i have missed my blog! here are a few highlights from the trip so far:

the first night in DC we ate at an Ethiopian restaurant, there was just a huge platter with lentils, cabbage, lamb, carrots, cabbage, jalapenos,eggs,chicken and beff! it was really fun because we didn't have an utensils and just used this really airy bread to pick up the food with our hands and eat it. the bread tasted like a sourdough crepe, if you can imagine that? it was fun, and i am so glad that my parents raised me to love spicy food, and be an adventurous eater. the entire time i kept thinking, if only ashley shaw could see what i am eating...i'm glad i am not picky!

- i had been waiting for a really long time to see the holocaust museum, and i was fortunate enough to visit it on my trip! our family spent 6 hours there! by the end of it we were all exhausted, emotionally, and physically! i had two things that really stuck out in my mind as blog worthy. the first was an exhibit about the gypsies that were forced into the ghettos and concentration camps.
It consisted of one of their old wagons and sitting on the seat of the wagon was a violin, everyone else in the crowded museum seemed to walk past, i even mentioned it to my sisters later when discussing out favorite parts and none of them knew what i was talking about, they must have just walked past it. but to me, it was not that easy to ignore. i stood there stareing at this worn out instament for quite a whille. it just felt so real to me at that moment, i pictured the man who once ownded the beautiful violin, i pictured his family, and the hundreds of songs other gypsies had danced to in the dimlit streets of Germany, it was almost eerie how human i felt while looking at that worn out bow, and tattered piece of wood. i have always been so facinated by the holocaust and the awful hatred and discrimination that destroyed millions of people, but i had never felt that close to it before, and that scared me. i hope that gypsie and his family watch, from wherever they are, at how their old violin effects everyone who stops at that exhibit. everyone who imagines where it's music has played and who's ears have heard it's power. i know i would if i were them.

the second part that was so amazing to me was something olivia said to me as we walked through the museum. she said, "you know what's scary? the fact that this could have been us. I mean, think about it! What if all the latter-day saints were descriminated against, taken away from our families, put to work in labor camps and killed. think about how scared they must have been..."

this hit me really, really hard! I went through the entire museum putting myself in their shoes, instead of a jewish prayer book being taken away from me, it would have been the bible, the book of mormon, or a picture of christ. I would be forced to mock my religion, wouldn't be able to associate with anyone that wasn't LDS, and i would be seperated from my family, and the people i love.

there was a video played in one of the exhibits and survivors told stories about being liberated, and the pains of aushwitz and other camps. one man told a story about his experiecnes in a labor camp. late one night when all the prisoners were working, the guards had an emergancy to attend to and left them working alone, in the pitch black. it was yom kippur the jewish celebration that night and it was dead silent. the man telling the story siad that "if you ever spoke, stopped working, or even breathed too loudly you would be beaten to death by the guards." even though the guards were gone no one spoke, no one had the strength, the will or the need to speak of the fear, the pain or the suffering that encompassed each human. but one man remembered his religion, and out of the darkness, weakly started to sing the yom kippur hymn. one after another people joined,untill every worker was singing or humming along to the jewish song, and at that moment everyone remembered that they were jews, and they were not ashamed to sing out.

jeez, i just can't imagine that kind of faith. yet again, what olivia said popped into my mind and i put myself and my religion into context... working in the darkness and someone begins a hymn, a quiet voice among hundreds, perhaps even thousands of persecuted saints. what hymn would mean the most? which one would bring us closer, and stronger? in my mind i pictured come come ye saints, what would you sing if you were that faithful saint? i need thee every hour, nearer my god to thee?

the world is a huge place....

so the other day i was pretty bored and i was surfing de facebuuuk and came across ali stephens pictures and realized that i wanted to see her newest runway stuff! So i typed her name into google and a million pictures came up! i scrolled through those and they are crazy, some of those outfits are hilarious, but others really are gorgeous pieces of fabric! i also came across a message board of fashion fanatics all talking about how much they love ali, hate ali, think she should "relax her lips," and "stop being so anorexic." i can't even fathom being famous now! I would be out of my mind to wish that on myself! It would be so annoying to have a mob following every decision you make, what clothes you buy, and if you accidentally forget to put on makeup, it will be on every tabloid the next day. But honestly, as a little girl, who didn't want to be one of the Olsen twins? they had FABULOUS sleepover parties, and even solved mysteries involving missing puppies and on their way home, they even had time to help the old lady cross the street! i wanted that excitement!

anyway.... i stumbled across this video ali starred in. it's a chanel mascara ad! The woman's voice is SO obnoxious but ali looks gorgeous! let me know what you think!



this world is HUGE! my mom and i were talking about how many beautiful women there are in 3rd world countries who are 6'5". Many of these women are indescribably more beautiful than ali stephens, cindy crawford or halee berry. But these amazing women who live in slums and have never even seen a television or a magazine, are illiterate, and will never have the opportunities to pose for a magazine even though natalie potman is not half as stunning as a 6'5" african woman whose skin in a rich black color. this hit me like a brick wall!

I got thinking about American idol and how david cook and david archuletta have a good voice, but think about how many people in this amazing world have a better voice, and don't even know it! there is probably some 15 year old boy sheep herding right now in a tiny town in europe whose voice would give both american idol's a run for there money. on britan's got talent a few years ago there was a mobile phone salesman who tried out. and he won the entire competition. His name is Paul Potts, my dad showed me this video and at the end we were both crying! It is just crazy that people like this have such amazing talent and have never shown it! anyway look at this video!



I am sure that many of you have seen this picture before. this young girl is the face of national geographic, this is article i found about it. I took most of the article but if you want to read the whole thing go to http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2002/03/0311_020312_sharbat.html

" 'We've known her face, but we've not known her story, not even her name,' he said.

She was one of the world's most famous faces, yet no one knew who she was. Her image appeared on the front of magazines and books, posters, lapel pins, and even rugs, but she didn't know it. Now, after searching for 17 years, National Geographic has once again found the Afghan girl with the haunting green eyes.

In January 2002, a National Geographic team returned to the Nasir Bagh refugee camp in Pakistan, where Sharbat Gula was originally photographed, to search for her.

She was identified through a series of contacts that led to her brother and husband, who agreed to ask her if she was willing to be interviewed.

Sharbat was located nearly two decades after her picture appeared on the cover of National Geographic magazine in 1985. She had no idea her face had become an icon, said Steve McCurry, the photographer who made the famous portrait for National Geographic in 1984, and who tried to find her again during many subsequent trips he made to Pakistan and Afghanistan.

National Geographic set out to make one last concerted effort to find the "Afghan girl" before the refugee camp in Pakistan where she had last been seen was demolished.
From the camp, the trail wound through several villages and into at least one dead end, until someone recognized the girl on the cover of National Geographic and said he knew her brother. "The second I saw the color of her brother's eyes, I knew we had the right family," said Matson.

When they met again, McCurry told Sharbat her image had become famous as a symbol of the Afghan people. "I don't think she was particularly interested in her personal fame," McCurry said. "But she was pleased when we said she had come to be a symbol of the dignity and resilience of her people."

The award-winning photographer said his original image of Sharbat had seized the imagination of so many people around the world because her face, particularly her eyes, expressed pain and resilience as well as strength and beauty.

When Sharbat agreed to have her picture taken for the second time in her life, she came out from the secrecy of her veil to tell her story. She wanted the people around the world who knew her face to know that she survived the refugee camp in Pakistan.

According to Matson and McCurry, Sharbat Gula has returned to anonymity; the latest publicity about her name and face is unlikely to draw attention to her in Afghanistan. "She will not give another media interview and she wishes not to be contacted," Matson said. Her family has relocated to a different village in a remote part of Afghanistan, where she will continue to live her life in purdah, he added.

"Clearly she has become a symbol that National Geographic has used to illustrate the circumstances of refugees like her, and many people have inquired about her," he said. "She stood for an entire group of refugees, not just Afghan refugees. She has helped us with our mission of educating people about other cultures and regions—and she's helping us again by drawing attention to the lives of Afghan women and girls in general."

I thought this story was amazing! I can't believe that they found her again, and she is so beautiful! this confirms my earlier statement about all the amazing beautiful women in this world. just for kicks here is the before and after shot of Sharbat! thanks for reading, i've just been thinking a lot about that this week!

cinderella, sleeping beauty, the rescuers, the little mermaid, fox and the hound

i really feel like watching pocahontas right now.... but i don't have that movie. too bad valerie wasn't at church today, or i would go and steal it from her monstrous collection of disney paraphernalia. today i realized that there are many disney movies that i need to re watch! I don't remember the last time I watched one... i think that my favorite animated disney movie would have to be... The great mouse detective. But it totally doesn't get enough credit! But out of the classics I would say that my favorites are beauty and the beast, or the lion king! Leave a comment with your favorite Disney movie!

fresh air is just what i need, fresh to feel free

---i remember heading up to suzanne's cabin when we were tiny little sophomores? I think that's how old we were. but it was a party! suzanne's dad drove us up and told us creepy creepy ghost stories about ghostly miners who one roamed about the canyon, the fact that the cabin is covered in spider webs, has a musky old smell( that i have grown to love,) and a old bunk house where the servants used to sleep... it's a pretty creepy cabin but i was very excited when suzanne and gail invited me up for a sleepover! i was so excited to walk around silver lake with all our friends, just like we did years ago. i had such a good time canoing with john, christine and russell, i feel bad for the people fishing becuase we most likely scared all the fish half way to china! after dinner, a hike with a gorgeous view of the tall tree's put up against the purple and orange sky that was slowly becoming filled with stars. we headed back to the cabin and after goofing off and playing a hilarious revised truth or dare game, (in which somethings were done that will not be discussed on this blog entry)we were off to bed, the girls upstairs and the boys were everywhere... most of them were outside sleeping on mattresses. the girls talked about boys, the boys talked about girls.... and we were all asleep by 4a.m... at least i think we all were! we woke up, had pancakes and headed on our way down the canyon.

i am not going to lie to you, this drive down the canyon was probably the most calm and collected i have been since havasupai. have you ever just took in every smell, cool breeze on your face, and every solitary golden hair that the wind whips across your skin? sufjan stevens was playing, the windows were all down, the car was rid of conversation, or movement. the only thoughts in my head were peace, and a feeling that everything in this world has a place, every leaf and tree was placed on this earth for a reason. and everything in my life is going to work out, i had no worries, just the adrenaline rush that i could climb any mountain, set out to see every sunset, and witness every sunrise. the urge to never leave christines car, never stop the ipod, and just drive, go through every canyon, swim every river, and be with the people that matter the most to me. the wind was moving my hand up and down as i stuck it out into the wind, unprotected, without a care in the world and tried to take in every second of being so free, because i didn't want to loose that feeling... ever. I am still trying to keep it with me, so if i seem really happy lately that is why!

i love mountains, i love the rolling hills, i love the flowers, i love the daffodils---